What I Won’t Soon Forget;

This is a repost, I deleted it for stupid reasons. 

Today is the 16th, this time last year I was on my way back from a beautiful vacation with my little family.

On this day last year, I was completely blind to the fact that you would leave me tomorrow. This time last year, I thought we had forever. The next day, forever ended with a broken heart and a single mother having no idea what to do for her child who stood at the window screaming for dada as he walked away for the last time.

Laying awake at night remembering that pain is eating me alive. I just want it to not hurt anymore. I am moving on, and I’m trying so hard to forget what he had no problem doing. I’m trying to be okay.

I can’t get the sound of Xander crying out dada from the door as he walked away for the last time. He didn’t even have the decency to come inside and face his son. I’m trying to forget all the nights I lay awake with Xander because he cried for a man that would soon want nothing to do with either of us.

I’m trying to forget the things I done to try and get through it. I’m trying to forget the drunken sex I had with someone I didn’t even know, twice. I’m trying to forget the mother I was on the path to becoming. I’m trying to forget that he physically hurt me the one time we talked face to face afterwards. I’m trying to forget that we kissed on Thanksgiving before he went to be with her. I’m trying to forget how he cried to me and begged me to hate him. I’m trying to forget how flirty he was toward me on Christmas.

I am trying to forget that he told me to get out of town. How can I forget that my child wasn’t good enough? He puts things on social media, talking about loving Xander even though certain people keep him from them. Yet, he didn’t even contact me on his birthday. I have heard nothing from him in months.

I’m trying to forget that he replacing Xander with another baby. I’m trying so damn hard to be the bigger person, even though he’s made people believe I’m the bad guy. He pushed us out of his life. He did this. I’m trying to remember this wasn’t our fault, that I’m truly not how he’s painting me to be. I’m trying to remember that I’ll get through this.

It’s haunting me. 

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