As I lay in my bed tonight I am overwhelmed with a feeling of defeat. In a little over a month, my son will be turning two years old. I have lost an entire year of his life.
I have lost this year being caught up in my depression and anxiety. This time last year, I had everything prepared for his first birthday. All the decorations and gifts were bought three whole months in advance, I was so excited and sad at the same time.
This time last year I had no idea that exactly one month after his first birthday, our entire world would be ripped apart. If I only I knew then what I know now. I was such a happier person then, maybe even a better mother.
Mom’s aren’t supposed to be this way, are they? I should have everything prepared and ready for his special day. I should be overcome with excitement and happiness for him. In reality I am broken.
He shouldn’t be turning two, he should still be that precious one year old little baby. I should still be that happy mother. We should still have our little family. But, no. Some people were too blind to the amazing thing that we had going. They decided to walk away. They decided to abandon us and make a whole new life and family.
Their heartlessness has left me laying awake tonight feeling like the worst mother in the world when I damn well know I shouldn’t. My baby deserves the best second birthday ever, and I swear he will have it.