Twelve Days;

That’s how many days it has been since I made a blog post, so much has happened in those few days. My apologies for the lack of posts. I promise to get back to my regular book review postings as soon as possible! I am currently reading The Princess Bride, Game of Thrones, and The Freedom Writer’s Diary. Reviews for those will be up soon!

In twelve days, my little sister went into labor at thirty four weeks. Her blood pressure was through the roof and her swelling was out of hand, so they induced her to save her life and my neices. Little Bella was three pounds, nine ounces. SO tiny. She wasn’t eating like she should, so they put her on a feeding tube. She has jaundice, so she is under a heat lamp. She has finally put on some weight, almost up to four pounds! But, then there were the setbacks. Her heart rate dropped from one sixty, to sixty seven. She crashed. Thankfully, she overcame this obstacle. Then there is her heart, she has a tiny hole in it. It seems like she makes one step forward then falls two steps back. I am hopeful for her, she’s part Maxwell, she’s a trooper.

In twelve days, my best friend who is also my cousin lost his baby. His girlfriend went to the hospital with major cramping, just to find out the heart had stopped. She would have had a little boy, precious Nicholas Rocko. We may have never met you, sweet boy, but we all love you so much more than you know. Your mommy isn’t taking this loss too well, she is carrying around your blanket. Be with her, baby, get her through this.

In twelve days, my husband found out he was having another baby boy. I hope he is happy, he got his replacement baby. He tells all these lies on me, making everyone think I left without telling him. He has turned so many people against me. He told me to leave, he told US to leave. If people can’t see how he abandoned us, that’s on them. If they can’t see how he is replacing us completely, that’s on them. I am beyond hurting anymore. I am devastated. I don’t know how people can’t see him for who he really is. His own family thinks I left without telling him. His family tells me he needs to speak to me, then he never fucking does when I reach out to him. I’m sure he tells them I don’t. I’m sick of the back and fourth. I’m sick of the two faced people. I’m sick of feeling like I do. No one cares about that though. The day I left, I left his Christmas presents on his porch. With a SIX page letter, the very first sentence was “if you’re reading this, I am all ready on my way to Arizona, as you wished.” He knew. He told me to go. He told us to go. For what? To make another fucking family.

In twelve days, my life has been shattered in more ways than one. I’m barely sleeping due to the stress of it all. People try to tell me how I should handle things, but they need to understand this from my point of view. Stop telling me my son needs his father, believe me, he doesn’t need a man that is completely okay with telling his mother to leave and go seventeen hundred miles away with him. He doesn’t need a man that has no contact with him what so ever. My son is better off with me and my family. Believe it or not, some kids are okay without both parents. Especially if one parent chooses not to be around.

In twelve days, I deleted my Facebook for the last time. I won’t be going back to it. I don’t need it. I need my son. I need my sanity. I need my happiness. I blocked all numbers of people who are bad for us. I contacted the people who deserve to be in our lives to make sure they had my number.

In twelve days, I failed my family. I failed my son. I failed myself.

Always,
Lauren

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