I woke up at five o’clock this morning from a dead sleep having the worst anxiety attack I have ever had.
My heart was beating out of my chest, my head was throbbing, the bed didn’t feel big enough for the baby and I, the walls were closing in around me, I felt like I was dying. It was the scariest thing ever.
I gave up on believing things would get better for me when they started getting worse. I am doing my absolute best to be okay, but mornings like this remind me of how not okay I am.
“Just breathe, Lauren. It’ll be okay.” But it won’t, and I know that. Maybe I need medication, maybe I need therapy. This is what my life has become, and I don’t want to go back to that person dependant on medicine for happiness and a sane life. I swore I wouldn’t have to after the baby. My “husband” promised I would have happiness forever, and not be at this stage again.
I’m a mom, things shouldn’t be this way, I should be okay. For my son. I’m all he has.
That right there is exactly what’s wrong. I was married, I was a wife. I had a father for my son, and a man to call my own. I had happiness. Then one day, it all got torn away from me. Now, I’m a shell of the person I used to be.
I don’t know who I am anymore, and that is terrifying.
Just venting, guys.. sorry.