I will always want you;

November 17th will forever be the hardest day of my life. The man I love walked away from my son and I, didn’t even think twice about it. Some people say he was never ready, I have the texts to prove you wrong. He wanted to marry me, not the other way around. He made these choices, and I let it all happen. I let everyone see me as the bad person when I wasn’t. Because that’s who I am, I’m the person that cares too much and gets hurt over and over again for it. For the past five months, I have been quiet about it. I have pretended to be the strong one, that’s what mothers do. I just need everyone to know I’m not okay. This was never the life I wanted for my son, and I tried everything I could to stop it from happening. I barely sleep, I barely eat. I have thought about throwing in the towel SO many times. But, there’s this little baby boy laying next to me right now. He holds my hand at night when he falls asleep. He hugs me when he wakes up. He kisses me when I ask for lovins. He needs me and no matter how many nights I cry myself to sleep, I will wake up and fix that little boy breakfast. I will start his day happy, whether or not mine is. He doesn’t have to know unhappiness. He doesn’t have to know a broken heart. I can hide those from him. I will not quit because he relies on me. He looks up to me. The one man I ever gave my all to may have walked out on us, but I have my son. He will be the one I give my all to now. I will raise him to be a good man, a man that doesn’t make promises he can’t keep. A man that doesn’t go around breaking hearts. A man that tells the girls how beautiful they are, and doesn’t judge them on looks alone. I will be strong, so that my son may grow to be just as strong. I want him to look back on these times and remember how tough mommy was even though her life was shattered. I want to give him something to be proud of me for.

Always,
Lauren

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