Broken;

This is what my life has become, but then again, this is what my life has always been. I can’t remember a time in my life where something about it wasn’t broken. My father beat my mother, she left. My mother married a man I looked at as my father, she left. (Broken home)

The man that should have been a grandfather to me ending up being the man that stole my childhood from me. He molested me until it hurt. I begged him to stop, nothing ever worked. He made me believe if I ever told, they wouldn’t believe me. My best friends boyfriend almost raped me one night while she slept in the next room, I never told. Who would believe it? My mother believed me about my grandfather, but made me stay quiet about it because she couldn’t bear to break my grandmother’s heart. (Broken childhood)

I took a bottle of pills and tried to end my life one night when the memories from those times was too much to handle. I remember going home that night, my aunt called and told me to stay strong for my cousin. We had just put him on the sixth floor for trying to rip his chest open. The drugs he was doing were too much for him, and he lost it. I went numb after that phone call, I took every pill bottle we had and emptied them into my stomach. My boyfriend woke up and asked if I was okay, I panicked and ended up on the sixth floor myself. (Broken past)

That same boyfriend became my husband. But before that, he left me. When he left, life had no meaning to me at all. My friends found me in my bed, cut wrist and a bottle of empty pain killers next to me. I remember them screaming for me to stay awake. I was unresponsive when they got me to the hospital. The hospital I stayed at the second time treated me like an animal. Starved me and refused to let me tell people. They released me before I could complain. (Broken heart)

My husband is gone. Again. This time he left me with his child. I thought my life was finally getting better but here I am. In that same mind set. I try not to be, for my son, but nights like tonight really get to me. (Broken present)

My life is full of brokenness, I am broken. My son deserves more. He doesn’t need a broken mother. He needs happiness, and I fear, in that, I will fail him.

I’m tired, so very tired, of trying to be okay.

Always,
Lauren

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